Help for Family & Friends

Understanding How a Survivor Feels

The emotions of survivors will vary at any given time. Often the loss of things can be mistaken as the cause of grief and trauma, usually far from reality.

They may be feeling:

• Their whole world has been tipped upside down
• Confused
• Why me
• Overwhelmed and stressed
• They want their lives back
• Frightened
• Hopeful, excited and relieved at times too

Survivors are not thinking about the loss of their belongings, but the loss of their lives and their identity.

What to Say and What Not to Say

Knowing what to say can always be challenging in times of trauma and stress. Sometimes, things may come out the wrong way or be challenging for our survivors to hear with our best intentions.

Avoid saying:

• 'As long as you are okay'. They do not feel okay, and nothing feels okay about what has just happened. They have survived the fire, but initially, they are at a complete loss.

• 'It's only stuff, it can be replaced': The memories of our treasured items are hard to replace and losing the comfort of your own things is distressing.

• 'How about those poor people in the bushfires, who lost their communities and everything'. In the initial stages, when survivors are caught up in their chaos, other people's grief doesn't offer any relief at all.

• 'Are you excited about getting a new house and new things'. No, they are not. They want their own lives back to normal.

Keep words simple. You can say

• "I'm sorry this has happened to you";
• "I'm sorry for your loss/lost so much";
• "I'm glad you and the family have not been hurt."
• "If you need anything, here is my number. Please call - I am happy to help."

These are simple, comforting words...

If you offer help, it is essential to follow through. For example, if you gave your telephone number, be sure you have theirs and follow through with communication.

Call them up after a short while -"Just checking in to see if you need help in any way".

• Listen. Survivors need the space listening affords them without being given advice or contribution.
• If you can offer somewhere to stay. Be clear for how long.
• Help with the cleanup and recovery of the home and belongings: bring garbage bags, gloves.
• Bring a cooked meal.
• Buy groceries or give them a gift card.
• Run errands: if they have lost a car, taking them to appointments will be important.
• Help them to organise their thoughts. Get out a pen and paper and write things down for them.
• Help with care of the children in any way you can.
• Help with the care of pets and animals if you can.
• Take them shopping with a small list. Going to the shops trying to replenish and replace items lost in the fire, can be very stressful.
• Take them away from the clean up scene for breaks. Just a cup of coffee can make a difference.
• If you share a routine activity with the survivors, keep that routine going. Familiar routines are healing.

In the initial stages you could:

• Just listen. They need the space listening affords them without being given advice or contribution.

• If you can, offer somewhere to stay. Be clear for how long.

• Help with the clean up and recovery of the home and belongings: bring garbage bags, gloves.

• Bring a cooked meal.

• Buy groceries or give them a gift card.

• Run errands: if they have lost a car, taking them to appointments will be important.

• Help them to organise their thoughts. Get out a pen and paper and write things down for them.

• Help with care of the children in any way you can.

• Help with the care of pets and animals if you can.

• Take them shopping with a small list. Going to the shops trying to replenish and replace items lost in the fire, can be very stressful.

• Take them away from the clean up scene for breaks. Just a cup of coffee can make a difference.

• If you share a routine activities with the survivors, keep that routine going. Familiar routines are healing.

What to Give

Ask questions to find out what the survivor needs rather than making assumptions. As recovery progresses, keep asking as their needs will change.

You can give:

• Your time - run errands for them.

Consistency - stay with them physically and emotionally through the recovery process.

• A card to tell them you are thinking of them.

• At an appropriate time, copies of photographs you may have of them.

• Gift vouchers: to buy groceries, books, clothes and perhaps even movie tickets for a well-earned break.

• Clothes: make sure they are a good quality and washed, ready to wear. Help sort out the bags and boxes donated by generous people wanting to help.

• Toys: make sure they are in good working order and ready to be used. Help sort out the bags and boxes donated by generous people wanting to help.

If uninsured, ask if crowdfunding will help provide necessities. The survivors are going to need friends and family for a long time and in different ways at different stages.

The initial stages may be assisting with clean up, but as time passes they will need a kind ear and support in rebuilding their lives and a sense of who they are themselves.